At that time, Jesus was casting out a devil, and the same was dumb; and when He had cast out the devil, the dumb man spoke. And the crowds marveled. But some of them said, By Beelzebub, the prince of devils, He casts out devils. And others, to test Him, demanded from Him a sign from heaven. But He, seeing their thoughts, said to them: Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and house will fall upon house. If, then, Satan also is divided against himself, how shall his kingdom stand? because you say that I cast out devils by Beelzebub. Now, if I cast out devils by Beelzebub, by whom do your children cast them out? Therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out devils by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you. When the strong man, fully armed, guards his courtyard, his property is undisturbed. But if a stronger than he attacks and overcomes him, he will take away all his weapons that he relied upon, and will divide his spoils. He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters. When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man, he roams through waterless places in search of rest; and finding none, he says, ‘I will return to my house which I left.’ And when he has come to it, he finds the place swept. Then he goes and takes seven other spirits more evil than himself, and they enter in and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse that the first. Now it came to pass as He was saying these things, that a certain woman from the crowd lifted up her voice and said to Him, Blessed is the womb that bore You, and the breasts that nursed You. But He said, Rather, blessed are they who hear the word of God and keep it.

–Luke 11:14-28

It’s been a few days since I’ve taken the time to write, and I need to apologize for that.

As a working priest, it’s sometimes difficult to have the energy to do the things that a priest should do–I miss things, and I feel bad about missing things like saying the office, taking the time to write, or to read. At the end of the day most of the time, I take a nap, have supper, and go to bed early. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to just be a priest, to read, to be more focused on a contemplative life. Rather than be too hard on myself, I just accept that for today, this is the way it is.

Blessed are they who hear the word of God and keep it.

This past Thursday while I was praying at the cathedral, a man approached me and asked me if there was anything he could do to make my experience more comfortable; could he turn off or turn on lights, did I need to use the washroom or would I like some water. He told me that he was sad that the city didn’t have a 24 hour adoration chapel, then pointed to his friend who was kneeling in front of the statue of Christ, praying. He said that aside from himself, she spent about as much time praying at the church. I explained that I was there as a support for someone who was in the choir, and that rather than just leave and come back, I took the opportunity to do a holy hour in front of the Tabernacle. He let me go back to my prayer.

I had a feeling there was someone behind me while I was praying that night, watching what I was doing from behind. This isn’t always something unusual for us. In my case, I’ve always asked the presence if it was there to support, that if it was, it should join me in prayer. Since I was 20, I’ve seen a little blue flash of light when I’ve been in connection with the Divine in one form or another. I call it my guardian angel.

The man came back about an hour later to check on me again. It was nice, but also a little unnerving. I’m not, after all, a Roman Catholic, and while I might be practicing traditions in a Roman Catholic way, I’m a priest in a congregation that most Roman Catholics would consider heretical. I felt a need to be cautious, to be careful, to be respectful. Partly because I was wanting to be respectful of the space, but also partially because I still have twinges of imposter syndrome that creep up from time to time.

Other clerics have studied more formally, have more experience dealing with people in the way a cleric does, have more practical knowledge about theology. When I come face to face with an inadequacy, I’m humbled and sometimes find myself becoming a little bit shy.

Am I good enough?

God called me to my vocation. While I may not be perfect, I do the best that I can with what I have and endeavor to get a little better each day. That’s all I can do.