20-Every time I think that I’m out, they pull me back in.

And Jesus rising up out of the synagogue, went into Simon’s house. And Simon’s wife’s mother was taken with a great fever: and they besought him for her. And standing over her, he commanded the fever: and it left her. And immediately rising, she ministered to them.
And when the sun was down, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them to him. But he, laying his hands on every one of them, healed them. And devils went out from many, crying out and saying: “Thou art the son of God.” And rebuking them he suffered them not to speak; for they knew that he was Christ.
And when it was day, going out he went into a desert place: and the multitudes sought him, and came unto him. And they stayed him that should not depart from them. To whom he said: “To other cities also I must preach the kingdom of God: for therefore am I sent.” And he was preaching in the synagogues of Galilee. Luke 4:38-44

He went into a desert place. Why? Solitude, silence, peace. And yet, they followed him, they came to him, they stayed with him.

I’m operating on 12 hours sleep. In the last 72. Day one, it was anxiety about making sure I remembered training that I’d gotten to work in a different are of my job. Day two, it was waking up every two hours because people kept making noise in our home. Hardwood looks amazing. It’s loud. It reverberates easily. Also, our dog is becoming strange in her old age, wanting to go outside every hour and a half to sit in the snow and stare at the fence. Day three, she at least waited until 6:25 am. But now, she’s refusing to eat again and I can’t help but wonder if she’s coming to her end of days. Either way, I got angry. I stormed, reacted, slammed doors. If I wasn’t going to sleep, no one else was going to sleep either. I was an angry, unruly bear and it wasn’t right to react the way I did, but I did. Not perfect, amends made, try again. Progress not perfection, but still striving for perfection.

I want to go to a desert place. I need to sleep.

Going to a deserted place isn’t supposed to be permanent. It can’t be, because as adults our responsibilities come to us, stay with us, call us back from the deserted places. But we need those deserted places–be they our special room, or a quiet place in a park, a bath tub–we need these retreats to recharge our batteries.

A deserted place can also be just knowing when to say no to a request that could put our mental health at risk. So many years I spent putting my mental health on the back burner, that when I had a chance to be able to actualize the importance of this not just to my over all health, but to my best functioning as a worker; let’s just say I didn’t realize how easy it is to treat yourself poorly and not treat yourself with the same value everyone else deserves.

20-Every time I think that I’m out, they pull me back in.

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